Just keep swimming..

Today when I picked Ellery up (one of the kids I take care of) she was watching the movie 'Finding Nemo.' One of my favorite parts in the movie is when Dory and Marlin try to find the goggles that have the address of where they believe Marlin's son, Nemo is. Dory keeps saying the phrase, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming," as they are swimming deeper and deeper to try and find the goggles. I have been saying that phrase over and over this past week.

I am SO frustrated right now. I have been having a hard time looking at the good things that are going on in my life and just been focusing on the bad. This is one of the 'neat' symptoms of depression. Why do I have depression? Why do I have to have this 'heavy' feeling? Why can't I just suck it up and be normal like everyone else? I HATE feeling like this. I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing to help prevent depression and it still shows up knocking on my door. Food doesn't taste the same, that feeling after you have had a good workout is gone and well, lets be honest, I tend to act like grumpy's long lost sister. These 'bouts' can last anywhere from a couple of days to a few months. All I want now is peace and relief. I want this heaviness to be gone. I want to laugh at a good joke, enjoy that piece of pizza and be thankful that God has given me so much.

I feel so selfish when I am feeling like this. I look around at this broken world, where earthquakes are destroying people's lives, where people are battling diseases and where people have MAJOR issues that they are dealing with. And here I am, dealing with depression, which is so tiny compared to these issues. I truly feel lost.

What gives me hope is that these 'bouts' won't last forever. At the Holocaust Museum here in Houston, where I give tours to middle and high school students, we have a huge statue that has a quote that helps me when I am facing these times. "Though there is anguish deep in my soul what if I must search for you forever? I must not lose faith, I must not lose hope." That was written by a 16 year old girl who survived Theresienstadt (a concentration camp in Czechoslovakia). I can't even imagine what she had gone through, and at such a young age. In this quote I get that she is hurt, but then she says this, "I must not lose faith, I must not lose hope." WOW. I wish I could be as brave as she was. This quote opens my eyes and makes me realize that what I am going through is tiny compared to my whole life. And if she could survive, I can surely face what I facing, and have hope knowing my depression will soon pass.